心向快乐第一季

First of all, it brings some feelings back to me when I am feeling nothing. I appreciate that. Always think a relationship is like “I got issues and you got’em too.” And we live with them together as a partners. Mae and George have their issues. They tried to cover or deal with them in the series. Maybe there’ll be no ultimate solution. It’s just a process in daily life.

As for Mae, who is always go with the feelings and chase the feelings, which is to find the approach to FEEL GOOD. George is more tend to be traditional and hard to open up utterly. They are vivid characters and I can relate from some plots.

It’s a huge world. There are various people and perspectives. Sometimes I just watch it and think: it’s ok to say that??? Just embrace the diversity and try to be more open minded.

Talk to people who care about you or just try to be these people.

It’s ok to be passionate or just want to save everything for oneself. Accept everyone’s tendency.

George said: “I just can be an island. That’s how I operate.” 🖐🏾 It could happen. I’m more relaxed now. Thank you guys:)

这个剧后劲太大了，虽然每集只有短小精悍的25分钟，整季只有6集，但在这样的限制下也难以掩饰mae martin的过人才华。整体节奏过快，还没等观众进入情绪就已经切入到下一个情景也许是一大短板，但同样，全剧没有一句台词是废话，快节奏也带来了强大的情绪冲击力。

ep4开头，George和mae说自己曾非常迷恋Arnie Rivers，觉得他很帅很高，mae黯然神伤。但当mae在酒吧和Arnie见面并见识到他的“男性魅力”之后也“化身迷妹”，开始模仿Arnie的一系列举动。比如，不知从哪里突然手中闪现信用卡，并帅气地主动要求替餐厅偶遇的一家人买单。（但信用卡被拒，最后还是George买了单，装b失败）

之后M问G，如果两人将来分手，以后的约会对象会选择男还是女。G回答大概是男人吧。M没说什么，但她纠结下服用了在医院偷拿的镇定剂，以及这之后的镜头中表达出的M始终无法接受自己的身体，无论是乳房还是女性曲线，她试着穿女士吊带裙并端详镜中的自己，但在G回家时却立刻关上房门并换上了难以分辨体型的T恤，这些种种都表明了M对于自身性别认知的纠结。因为G在遇见M以前的约会对象都是男性，并且一直以来都是“直的”欣赏带有浓烈男性特征的人，这就让M更加焦虑，一方面她想成为G心中完美情人的样子(high school boyfriend, simple, kind, full of sperm)，而另一方面M的女性身体结构限制了这种努力。

在后来的剧情中M带上dildo和G做爱，G无意识的说了一句“i want you to cum inside me”，这句话也许就成了两人后来breakup的导火索。在一直是异性恋的意识形态的G眼中，这只是一句ml时增强气氛的调情。可M却不这么想，因为她无法做到射精这一行为，而正因如此仿佛之前所做的一些努力都白费了一样，她努力使自己更像男人，变成G偏爱的样子（culturally straight），但其实内心深处她并不认可这些masculine做派（参照ep6中M对于Kevin的态度）。就像她对自身的评价那样“i think i'm a transgender, or non-binary... ”即她既不是一个“合格的”女孩，也永远无法成为一个男孩，是夹在中间的，带有尴尬色彩的，模糊的性别。

“i want you to cum inside me”这句话是否带有性挑逗意味是很值得思考的。异性间带有繁殖目的的性交行为除外，都是单纯的享受性交的快感从而增进感情。既然如此，只要达到性高潮就好，射精与否其实并不重要。尤其是对于女性来说，非性器官之间的刺激和挑逗也能够达到这一目的，并且体内射精还面临着意外怀孕的风险，所以对于女性来说应该是值得担心的事情为什么会变得sexy呢？因为这是原始的，自然的？但其实在很多文化中，以生育为目的的性交是文明的，纯洁的，不带有“肮脏的性欲”的象征，例如在江户时期的日本，男人若想寻求浪漫爱情就会去吉原找游女，而家里妻子是只可远观而不可亵玩的，和母亲是同样存在的“圣女”。射精这一行为对于男性来说一直有种莫名的成就感和自豪感，每次射精都好像成功攀登珠穆朗玛峰，而男人最恐惧的事情之一也必然有阳痿早泄等性功能障碍。还有G的朋友们在谈话中永远无法离开有关男性生殖器和射精的玩笑，从这里也不难看出G一直以来受到的以男性话语权主导的社会和文化思想的影响，这种影响也就导致了她会不自觉地说出这样的话并以为很性感。

跑题了，说一下T这个群体。也许是因为性别认知障碍，也许是因为喜欢的对象恰好是直女，总之她们是一群从不停止抹去自身女性特质的努力的女人。即便像M那样拥有美丽的身体曲线和坚挺好看的乳房，她们总是羞于展现。其实男性特质也没什么，但在现在的父权制资本主义的社会背景下，T时常成为被嫌弃的对象——特别是les这个群体当中，也就能够理解了。打个比方，就好像19世纪的一个工人经常打扮成资本家的样子去工厂里，那么这个人大概率是要被说“背叛了无产阶级”。简单讲就是，男性化是OK的，但要取其精华弃其糟粕。

“我喜欢你，喜欢你的声音，喜欢你的身体，喜欢你的气味，喜欢你的疯狂又有趣的小脑瓜，不是因为性别年龄人种地位那些社会强加给每个人的抽象概念标签，仅仅因为你是你。”

最近的下饭剧从压抑的纪录片换成了《feel good》（不要被《心向快乐》这个傻白甜译名骗了），

大概25分钟一集的时长正好吃个饭能看完。

看第一集尤为畅快欢乐，

女主叫Mae，是个T，在酒吧说单口喜剧（脱口秀）。

女二George坐在台下get到了她的每一个笑点，然后主动在表演结束后去找了Mae。

喝酒的时候两个人还玩起了常见的喝酒游戏：

一方提问另一方回答，撒谎或者回答慢了就要喝酒，喝完提问角色互换。（我跟朋友玩的时候规则是这样的剧集里应该也差不多）

Mae开始提问，

-“你几岁？”

-“when did you lose your virginity?”

-“你最喜欢的电影是什么？”

然后轮到了George，

-“你来英国多久了？”

-“披头士里你最喜欢谁？”

-“Are we on a date?”

——我们在约会吗？

气氛开始诡异起来。

Mae开始结巴，

幸好她朋友走过来说了一番话，临走前说，

“enjoy your date.”

Mae顺着话说，“他说我们算在约会那就应该是吧。”

George说，“我以前从来没有和女孩子约过会。”

Mae问，“那你和女孩子接吻过吗？”

George说，“当然。”

气氛彻底变得暧昧，以尴尬的形式表现出来，

两个人都低头喝了一口酒。

在Mae抬头继续提问“你喜欢电影吗？”的时候

George的一句“你想吻我吗？”打断了掩饰两人心绪的游戏。

然后她们接吻了，Mae大脑中的盲音响起，

背景里酒吧的条状霓虹灯宛如电压不稳忽暗忽明。

看的时候我心里的想法是

这不是典型的crush吗？完全可以投稿到“我今天遇到了一个crush”小组的程度。

然而这只是第一集，

甚至在第一集还没结束的时候问题就展露出了残酷的冰山一角。

接下来陆陆续续涉及到LGBT/addict/原生家庭各种细碎不足为外人道的烦扰：

George作为侄女不想向朋友公开她和Mae的关系，

Mae做为addict（自称已经戒了）却偷偷藏了止痛药，

还有Mae十多年被赶出家门和表面看上去和谐无比的原生家庭倒刺般扎在心里的问题。

大家都爱看crush，热烈甜美如烈火烹油，

初遇时候对方展露出来的闪闪发光之处令人着迷，

而关系变成恋爱之后总有各种各样的烦恼，

更不要说组成家庭、养育子女等后续缠缠绵绵无绝期的鸡毛蒜皮了。

剧集也不会只有第一集前半部分光鲜漂亮的热恋环节，

毕竟是改编Mae的现实经历拍出来的，

重点完全放到了烦恼和解决烦恼上。

正如《亲爱的小孩》被批恐婚恐育，

而最令人恐惧的地方是这就是真实故事改编的，

这就是所有被社会教导毫不知情地轻易踏上婚姻这一条暗藏荆棘之路的女生被一带而过的那部分。

虽然每个人都在经历自己现实的烦扰，

喜欢看crush这种拥有完美甜味的故事也情有可原，

但正因为如此，这些聚焦现实的剧集才值得一看。

毕竟我们说到底还活在现实里，

我想或多或少心思细腻的人都会对此产生一丝共鸣。

Feel Good is a low budget 6-episode TV show which mysteriously skipped my attention when it was first brought up by a friend: probably because it features no big star (Lisa is one, but in a small role), and British TV shows like Fleabag and Killing Eve have raised the bar very high now.

However, one night, I started to watch the first episode and was very impressed. The not so sub plot of addiction is so well-written. I really like it when Mae (its main character shares the same name with the writer and lead actor, which is a bit confusing) expands the definition of ‘addiction’: ‘it’s all the same feelings, craving, and withdrawl, and relief, and obsession. We are just swapping one addiction for another’. By doing that, Mae Martin (I will use the full name when referring to the creator) connects the love story and Mae’s struggle to stay clean together. Mae Martin challenges the audience to view addiction as not only a struggle among a group of people, but something many of us face when being in a toxic relationship with partners, or, say, social media. By then, I am convinced Feel Good is quite good because the creators know ‘nuances’. Its focus on addiction also reminds me of Killing Eve S2, the key word for its 2nd season is ‘obsession’. While both handle compulsive/toxic feelings between people/people and object, Killing Eve’s take on obsession is disappointing, Feel Good, on the other hand, only gets better episode by episode.

Story aside, I am mesmerized by how the show introduces the love story to the audience. It is fast-paced. As Guardian remarks, ‘Feel Good moves so quickly and lightly that it seems impossible it could also be managing to construct characters and burrow into psyches as deeply and empathically as it does.’ You never need to fast-forward; it’s densely-packed but you won’t feel stressful; the plots mingle effortlessly. It takes 30 seconds for Mae and George to fall in love with each other. I love how unconventional and unapologetic it is. I love how an LGBTQIA (bless Joyce) story focus on how the two lovers enjoy their relationship (at least for the most part) without giving too much attention to how they are unsure if the other is into them, or suffering from loneliness because they can’t find a partner. Of course the loneliness issue exists and there is suffering, but there are many representations of those already. Feel Good shows how the relationship can be the start, rather than the ending, of a story.

I also like how the struggles of Mae and George are more about themselves making choices than them being in disagreement with a suffocating society. It is refreshing to see not only Mae’s parents, but George’s mother, support their sexuality. Mae’s gig pals don’t make a fuss about her having a girlfriend. The roommate Phil is an angel. The lead of the support group is a gay man; Lava is loved by her mother regardless of her sexuality. While Binky’s husband and his friends are ‘piece of shit’, I don’t see them as homophobic (I could be wrong though). The show demonstrates that everyone can and should be nice to LGBT+ community. I like how Feel Good doesn’t use societal approval as a trope; instead, it allows us to see Mae and George as individuals who make their own decisions. Yes, sexuality is and will be important in their lives, but they don’t let it to devour them, they can still breathe.

The relationship is beautifully written and wonderfully performed. I mean THE CHEMISTRY!! Yes there is sex. As Mae Martin said, she didn’t want the lesbian sex to be voyeuristic. I congratulate her in doing a fantastic job!! Feel Good has amazing sex scenes: they are romantic, witty, hilarious, and honest. The director and writers make sure the sex scenes are not about sex/lust only, they are also about female pleasure. Mae and George communicate and share their sexual preferences; they don’t force their fetish on the other, instead, they ask politely. The show doesn’t mystify lesbian sex: even lesbians can’t cum and that’s ok! Feel Good has achieved what Sex Education has done: it has educated people (older than high schoolers) how to have sex, and more importantly, how to discern when the relationship is going south.

There are nudity scenes and they are (quite literally) serving the plot: it is when Mae feels most vulnerable physically. The paradox of the physicality and the personality is, however, not restricted to gay people. Mae is struggling because she believes however hard she tries, she can never have George in the long haul because George is ‘culturally straight’. George, however, insists this idea is just in Mae’s head. (Or is it?) It becomes apparent that the couple is not on the same page on many things. Mae is shy but she wants public validation of their relationship: she wants to be blessed by George’s family and friends. George is popular (win the lottery) but she is ultra private when it comes to Mae. She points out her friends just want to crack a joke and emotions (mind, not sexuality), for them, is gross. Eventually, George will have to face her own real emotions. There is a moment where Mae questions why George never like/retweet her social media stuffs. As Fleabag says ‘Hair is everything’, the (non)usage of social media, I argue, is (almost) everything. This again shows the discrepancy between the couple – which, of course, is normal; in every relationship/friendship, such disagreements happen and that’s what makes this show so relatable.

It is interesting to note that the dynamic between the two flows all the time. I find myself on the side of Mae and then I am on George’s side! For example, the first episode shows Mae concealing her addiction history from George, which is a bit dishonest; but George also makes Mae think she’s already mentioned her to her friends while actually she’s dating some Crenshaw dude. I find it especially interesting that while George is portrayed as a cold person (she leaves Mae alone in a party; she’s rather cold towards Phil etc etc), Mae can also be quite aloof – check what she does to Lava. When she says let’s not share this with Maggie, it is as if George were saying let’s not tell my friends now.

Talking about George and her friends, I really like how the show does about their friendship. It shows that those friendships, even though ‘long haul’, are not necessarily genuine. Indeed, things can be tricky, if not scary, when friends finally choose to be honest with each other, right?

Binky’s husband and friends are hilarious characters, but the show makes sure not all the male characters are caricatured. I like Phil a lot; he’s giving me the neighbor who ended up marrying Hannah’s boyfriend’s sister in Girls, especially when he’s mentioning all the baby stuffs. Mae’s dad is a charming character; but I am not sure if he’s a good dad. His ‘Oh I need to check the garden’ is a specimen of dad type, who leaves all the dirty job of communicating with kids to mums. The show also inserts in a MeToo story plot where things turn sour quickly. In all, the portrayals of male characters are multifaceted. Well done.

Last but not the least: small roles. Does the show even have small roles? Because everyone shines. Even the shop assistant of that sex shop: the scene is so funny and captivating. Lisa Kudrow is funny but in a cold way – which is really nice. I am not crazy about her first appearance in the laptop; seeing her appear in Blackpool is a real surprise for me (and Mae). I love the scene in Ghost Train the most. Arguing in a horror house/moving train, with all the noise and terrifying man-makes while discussing ‘real emotions’, which is the most terrifying of all – what a genius idea!! The fact that the show keeps vague about why Mae is cast out of the family is an interesting one; I quite like how her mother points out her privilege and that she has everything she wants when she grows up. Again, the show is looking at the mysterious and intricate human mind that is not so easily explainable. Apart from that, I don’t think there are a lot of TV shows that discuss ‘privilege’. Kudos to the writers for highlighting this aspect.

The photography is really pretty. It, like TEOTFW, has a consistent tone, which is even reflected when Mae and George are in bed. Note the beautiful blue shadow. The music is nice. The costume looks comfy and lovely (never let the costume steal the show– I’m talking to you, Killing Eve). My favorite, as I said earlier is the pace of narration. Mae has run a lot and it is a signature of Feel Good, like Fleabag’s looking at the camera.

Feel Good is about a female stand-up comedian. In the States, there is The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Both Mae and Midge suffer from a backfire from they using real-life stories with their partner (judging from S1 finale, haven’t watched S2 yet). It is interesting to think how personal the stand-up mateials can be, but having just watched Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, I am reminding myself that in order to make things funny, the ‘truth’ can be compromised. While Nanette is almost metafictional when Hannah approaches/disconstructs what makes comedy, I don’t think that is the angle Feel Good is heading towards. However, it is still fit to think about the show amongst the powerful works by Mae Martin’s fellow female comedians. The freshness of the show also reminds me of Girls (with its minute depictions of modern female life) and Fleabag (with its candidacy about real emotions). Feel Good deserves more recognition and PLEASE CAN WE HAVE SEASON 2 THANK YOU NETFLIX!!

我自觉自己也算容易成瘾的人，还低自尊，所以很懂这剧里的痛点。有自知之明所以不敢碰任何赌毒…比起Mae是好在我没有那么狂躁。

我觉得自己对亲密关系成瘾真的是the saddest thing ever heard.

不知道是爱眼前这个人还是单纯需要找个人满足自己的成瘾需求。

更别提找了个直女了，更加煽动自己不安情绪。

听对方说分手之后比起女生会找男生就心里很堵。从理性角度来看，其实这不能代表任何事，并不是说这段感情是“一时兴起”或者“错误”，只是她本身更容易被男性吸引而已。但是听起来就很沮丧。

心中某处总觉得哪天必须要面对自己成瘾这个事情，对现在的感情不能百分百投入。

Life is suck.

本来是听说老友记里的Phoebes监制了一部新剧，朋友推荐【英国神经病爱情喜剧】，以为会甜，一口气看了六集，被梅气得吐血，但Phoebes风采依旧。

主线是一个不典型的女同性恋和直女的恋爱探索过程。

不典型是因为梅本身集被宠爱的小公主、复吸边缘的戒毒者、甜蜜奶狗、自我身份怀疑、笑点怪异的脱口秀演员等很多身份于一身。冲动，多愁善感，自卑，喜欢直女更追求得到直女的快感，但她总能给自己找到借口，也根本不会为别人考虑。

第一集末 梅决定对乔治坦白

她习惯把自己置入受害者的场景，偷吃安定是因为乔治让她对自己的身份感到焦虑，和父母关系不好是因为她们把年少的自己狠心赶了出去，害Maggie和女儿lava关系再次崩盘，却只担心自己晚上住在哪。即使到最后也还在说，我从一个东西转移到另一个东西，并没有意识到乔治是人，第二季如果乔治恋爱脑的劲儿过去了，目测还要有冲突。

直女乔治则面临着其他困境，她生活规律，要求严格。

真的很严格

从小到大幻想中的理想生活都是和有趣的绅士结婚生子，孩子的名字可能叫查理、休之类的。但是当她空窗五年后遇到梅，确信自己爱上了她的同时也有迷茫，当自己一直以来的生活基准线被动摇，该从哪一步开始更改呢。即使是在英国，突然出柜也并不是一件对于每个人都非常容易的事情。最主要的是，她还没有准备好接受自己。

很多人相信性向是流动的，但是除了生理取向，乔治更需要的是自己从内心深处接受，多年来理想的生活场景将要有变更。因为她没有设想过这种可能，所以二十多年的想象此时要转向一个空白的场景，不可能她今天遇到梅，明天就说这辈子我不需要一个男人了，因为此前的理想中，这些异性幻想对象给你带来的心理慰藉，这些感受还是分明的。这是一个持久而复杂的变更，很难一蹴而就。

乔治有一群婊子朋友，她怪罪朋友们只讲肤浅的笑话不谈深刻的问题，不关心自己，朋友回敬她那你为什么不跟我说呢？我不知道她对你有多重要。

很多时候我们只需要过好今天想好明天就好了，至于很久的以后，没人能说清。梅需要依赖，没有毒品就靠爱情，没有爱情或许就靠家人，乔治则说不准自己以后会不会喜欢别的女孩。【你是我唯一喜欢的女孩】听起来是很浪漫的事情。

乔治出柜其实并没有遭遇阻碍，只是她给自己设下了太多限制。

勇敢站出来做此时此刻想做的事情，面对自己，是最简单的选择，省去踌躇焦虑，略作考量就去选择，直接承担结果。有时候，不需要给自己和事件贴上严格的标签，生活可能没有想象的那么糟，总要向前走的。

另一边，梅则生活的毫无限制，所以当她进入乔治的生活，乔治的限制都成了她的枷锁，她也要学着成长。因为在乎所以隐瞒，但也因为在乎所以必须要坦诚相待，共渡难关。

最后一句：乔治手受伤要朋友给梅打电话，手机里存的备注是corn，是本人心里全剧最甜一场戏！！